All because two people fell in love...

Monday, July 20, 2009

SELF PROCLAIMED HYPOCHONDRIAC

Yes, it is true, I am a hypochondriac.

I am known to be one of those tell-me-the-symptom-of-a-disease-and-I-will-have-it-the-next-day types. You tell me about your neighbor who has a brain tumor, how she had siginifcant memory loss, and bad headaches? The next day I will begin to forget things that I just did, and find myself with a killer headache. You tell me about your Daughter who has MS? The next day I will begin to feel tingling feelings in my arms and legs. You tell me about how before you knew you had breast cancer, you had this weird metallic taste in your mouth? The next day I will all of a sudden feel like I have been sucking on a penny all day. You get the idea, you tell me a symptom, I will be exhibiting said syptoms within a day or two of being told.

I am not the run to the emergency room every day type of hypochondriac. Nope, I tend to sit and worry for days and days, think up the worst case scenario in my head. It usually goes like this:

My god. I cannot believe I have [insert whatever disease/ailment I am thinking I have that month]. I am going to be given 3 months to live, I will be in horrible pain the whole time. I am so scared to die. I have four kids that need me, what would they do without me? And Brian, what would he do? My gosh, he would probably remarry because he is so young. I would hate that, some other woman raising my four babies. Gosh Maria, get a grip, you are just fine. Stop worrying about everything so much and thinking you have every disease known to man. Geeze. But gosh, I think I really do have [insert whatever disease ailment I think I have at the time].

This is usually when my panic becomes to the point where I need to unload on someone, that someone being my husband, and sometimes my Mom. I usually get the same sort of response from both of them every time:

"Maria, what now? No, you do not have [insert whatever disease/ailment I think I have at the time]. Why do you think you have that? Let me guess, someone you know has it, and it got you thinking, and your imagination got away from you, and here we are thinking you are dying. Again. You have to stop this worrying, it is not good for you. If you are that worried about it and obsessing that bad, go to the Dr. and he will tell you everything is alright."

And this is when one of two things happen. I realize I am being ridiculous, and shut off the worrying in my head. Or, I can't seem to get past it and I make an appointment to see the Dr. And Monday, when my latest worry came to a head, I decided to do the later, and call the Dr.

What was my worry, you ask?

Well, last Wednesday I was at my sister's house for my niece's birthday party. She came out of the house to greet me and I noticed a bunch a strange burn marks all over her body. When I asked what the heck happened she told me she had been to the dermatoligist to check out a rash she had on her body. While there, he removed a bunch of flat clear warts that were on her legs and arms, and also removed a mole off of her back that seemed odd in shape, not cancerous, nor even precancerous, but he removed it anyway.

So, of course, I went home and started thinking about my skin, and skin cancer, and my moles that are all over my body. The moles that I have had my whole life. I took a gander at my one raised mole on my back and decided that it looked different. It looked a little bit pink.

Oh my goodness. My mole is changing color. It looks like it is turning pink. I think the Dr. told me once that if my moles ever turned red that meant they could be cancerous. It is not red, but it looks pink, which could mean it is on it's way to turning red. Oh my. My brothers friend found a mole too late on his toe, and when it was removed they found the cancer had spread all over his body and he died months later. He was only 24. I could be just like him. I know one of the leading causes of skin cancer is not being protected properly as a child. I know my Mom did not put sunscreen on us all the time when we were little. I remember burning a lot. Why did my Mom not make us put sunscreen on.

This is when I told Brian of my worries (Friday morning.) He laughed at me and said the mole looked the exact same as it did ten years ago, that it was fine, that I should not worry. But I could not let it go. And by the time I decided I wanted to make an appointment, it was already too late. I would have to wait until Monday, which meant it was going to be a long weekend.

I spent most of the weekend looking at my mole from different angles, with mirrors held close, far, having Brian look closer at it. Just being plain old obsessive about it. I was exhausted by Sunday evening from worrying so darn much I fell into bed,waking occasionally during the evening, worrying, panicking. Monday morning could not come soon enough.

I made the appointment right away that morning, made arrangements for my dear friend Mari to come watch the kids, and then headed out to the Dr. The drive is a quick one, but it was spent with me going back and forth in my head I am fine, no I am not, I am fine, no I am not.... I got into the dr's office, met the Dr. gave him some background on my mole, and then had him take a look. Drum role.....

It was FINE. He said it was a completely normal mole. Texture, good. Shape, good. Color, good. Nothing to worry about, but if it bothered me and I wanted him to take it off he could. It would just take a moment, he would numb the area, cut it off and cautarize it. If I did not mind a small scar, it was really no big deal at all. So I opted to have him remove it. Why not? Seemed easy enough, and then I would never have to worry about it changing or becoming cancerous. He performed the procedure quickly, told me as the numbness wore off I would feel a burning sensation as he had to burn the area afterward. Yuck. He then told me to keep antibiotic ointment on it and a bandaid for 10 days so that it would heal properly. No problem. Right?

Wrong.

That evening I had Brian remove the band aid to apply more ointment, and this is when he gave my mole removal spot the name "bullet hole" as it was so big, and grey looking from the burning part. It was really sore too. Over the last few days it has become red around the outer edge and is still painful. It is not infected, but does hurt and is a pain to change the bandage and reapply ointment to it 2-3 times a day. Not to mention it looks like it will be a bit more than a "small scar." I bet you are dying to see it, aren't ya? Well, here, take a look.

Pretty gross, right?

I wish I could say it is all over with and I am happy to put this behind me, but I know me. I know next month it will be something else. Some sort of cancer, incurable virus, neurogical disorder, something. It is crazy, weird, and frustrating (and not just for me). I would love to know where this over the top fear of getting sick and dying comes from, and why I am this way so that I can change it. As I am getting tired of worrying all the time about things that have no business being worried about. This is for the birds, and it needs to stop. I need to start spending my days enjoying my kids, husband and family. Boating, going on trips, playing in the yard, swimming, watching movies, and NOT worrying. I need to start living life to the fullest, and enjoy every minute of it.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

MINNESOTA WEATHER - SO UNPREDICTABLE

It is the middle of Summer, and yesterday it was cloudy and cold with a high for the day being 62 degrees.

What the heck?

I am a bit confused and frustrated with this Minnesota weather. But the kids seem to be rolling with the punches, and acclimating to the change in weather quite nicely. As I came down the stairs after my shower I found them out in the front yard wearing this: [Lucas was in the same sort of garb, but had no interest in being photographed. Stinker.]

Friday, July 17, 2009

HAD TO POST AGAIN TODAY....

I headed upstairs to bed just a few minutes ago, and did what I do every night before I go to sleep. I went into each of my kids bedrooms to see if they were tucked in for a night of good sleep, and to give them kisses. When I got to Ava's room I found this:

It's as if she woke up, decided she was going to get up to go to the bathroom, realized she was too tired, and just fell asleep while in the process of getting out of bed.

My question is, how in the world could she possibly continue to sleep so soundly in that what looks to be an incredibly uncomfortable position?

GOOD THINGS

Some good things happened yesterday.

First, Miss Ava finally got up the courage to get her ears pierced. I have been asking if she wants them pierced now for two years. The response has usually been "Noooooo! It is going to hurt." Or "No, I want to wait until I am [insert whatever age she will be the next year]. " Sometimes we would go so far as to walk into Claire's Boutique, look at the earrings, and decide it is still a "no."

Somehow yesterday was different, yet it started out the same. We walked into Gap looking for some Fall fleece's for the kids, and while walking in I eyed the Claire's Boutique on the other side of the street.

"Hey, Ava, should we get your ears pierced today?"

"Nooooo. Not until I am 7."

"Are you sure? It would be so much fun, we are having a girl's day out, what fun would it be to come home with pierced ears!?! Daddy would be so excited!"

"O.K. only if you and Livi get your ears pierced too."

"Well, Liv can't, she is too little, and I already have mine pierced."

"Maybe... we can go look and then see if I want to."

We did our shopping at Gap and made our way over to Claire's. She spent a good while slowly walking around the store, looking at every last thing. Staling.... I told her she could pick out a pair of earrings, any pair she wanted. What did she pick out? A pair of loooong, dangly, heavy earrings in the shape of a guitar. Nice, the one pair I would have to say no to. After perusing a bit more, and choosing two pair of earrings that were more acceptable for the lobes of a 6 year old, she finally got up the courage to sit in the chair and get those ears pierced.

She ended up crying (which I knew would happen), but it did not last for long. Once the girl handed her the mirror to take a gander at her newly pierced ears she was all smiles.

As we walked out of the store, holding hands and pushing Liv's stroller, she looked up at me and said:

"Mom, you lied! You said it wouldn't hurt that much, and it did."

"I said it would hurt, but only for a quick minute. It was worth it though, wasen't it?"

With a smile that seemed to stretch ear to ear "Yes, it was."

Onto good thing #2.

Lucas started Karate classes a few weeks ago. And let's just say he loves it. Adores it. Thinks it is the best thing ever. This makes me very happy to see him so happy, so it is really a win, win.

Anyway, he has been going for a few weeks now, working toward the goal of getting his very first belt, the white belt. And yesterday he achieved this goal.

At the end of class the instructor noticed that it was a special day, that Mr. Lucas had earned his very first belt. He instructed Lucas and the other four little boys in the class to line up facing the mirror. He then asked everyone to sit down, everyone except for Lucas. The instructor walked away for a moment to retrieve the belt. The other little boys were sitting down, looking up at him in approval, noting what a big deal this all was. While the instructor was gone, I glanced at Lucas to find that he was beaming. He stood there full of pride, with a huge grin on his face, he seemed as if he could barely contain his excitement. I could feel his sense of accomplishment, and it was one of the best feelings ever.

The instructor returned, had him do a few kicks and punches, and said a few words to him about working hard and giving his best to achieve his next belt, which would be orange in color. Lucas replied with a very strong, loud, "Yes, Sir!" He bowed to his instructor, and then was given his belt. Everyone clapped for him, including Miss Olivia Grace.

It was all so very sweet. I was so proud of my Lucas Alexander - what a moment. I only wish that Mr. Shelton could have been there to see it.

Days like this seem to get me through all the tough days where I am breaking up fights, cleaning up messes, doing too much laundry, feeling stressed, like there is not enough of me to go around, and pulled in every direction possible. I need days like this. I look forward to days like this. I love them. It was a good day indeed.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

THE GIRL NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME

The kids begged and pleaded with me to fill up water balloons for them this morning. I say they begged and pleaded because I really dislike filling up water balloons.

Why?

The kids tend to stand in one big line, waiting for a balloon. I fill one, tie it (which hurts the fingers, especially by the 20th tie) and place it carefully in the child's hand. I do all this only to have said child turn around, and throw the balloon on the ground, breaking it and getting back in line for another one. Throughout all of this I tend to hear from the other kids things such as "Do I get one yet?" "It is taking too long!" "You just got one, no fair!"

So, like I said, I don't like this task so much. [It is ranked up there with my dislike for pushing the kids on the swings.]

But my strong dislike for it usually does not stop me from doing it. Cause the kids really like them, and what kind of Mom would I be to say "No, I won't fill up any water balloons for you because I just don't like doing it. It really sucks." That, my friends, would be pretty poor on my part, no?

So I planted my butt on the front step this morning, and began the arduous task of filling up a bunch of water balloons. After about 20 finger numbing balloon tie's later , I handed over the hose to Ava to do some filling for me. As I was sitting there in a balloon filling induced type o' coma, I noticed something. Something strange. So strange that I had to look twice to see if what I was seeing was actually correct. Ava was standing on the sidewalk, hose between her legs, filling up water balloons. Nothing strange about that, I know. But as my eyes moved upward I noticed two small, round, bulges in the chest area of her swimsuit. I moved closer only to find that she had stuck to small water balloons in her swimsuit.