My heart is sad today... I spoke to my Dad today. I have not spoken to him in a very long time - I would say it has been about a year. The sad truth is that the time span in between phone calls seems to get longer and longer after each time we do talk.
As I was laying on my bed nursing my beautiful daughter Olivia Grace, it came to mind that he has yet to meet her, in fact, I believe he has only met Ava, Lucas and Anthony a few times - sad. The picture above is from the day Lucas was born, one of the two times he has met my little Lucas. I have been thinking about calling him for months and have not actually gone through with it as it seems the conversation is always so strained and hard to keep going. But today I decided to pick up the phone and call him. He answered - I said "Hi Dad" silence on the other end of the line. I said "It's Maria". He said, "Oh...Maria, Hi." I proceeded to talk about how long it has been since we have talked or seen eachother, and he agreed. He said to me "I am so sorry honey, it is all my fault." I have never heard him take on any responsibilty for the disolution of our relationship, so this really shocked me - I did not know what to say... I just mentioned that it was both of our faults and that we need to work on getting things on track. I asked how work was, how Tracey was, and a few other odds and ends but was getting one word responses from him. I am sure this was due to the fact that he was extremely intoxicated, trying his best to put coherent sentences together to carry on a conversation with me. I thought it would be a good time to end the conversation, so I told him to call me soon so we could get together. He agreed - I told him I loved him and would talk soon. As I hung up the phone I cried as I was sure I would not hear from him - either because he would not remember the conversation, or he would be too ashamed to make the call after speaking to me being so intoxicated.
This all made me sad for him, and for me.... Sad that his drinking was the catalyst to all of this- my mother leaving him, and his inability to spend time with us when we were young children, which in turn got us to where we are today, not a part of eachothers lives. He has missed so much... the births of my four beautiful children, baptims, birthday parties - all of the wonderful little moments that should be enjoyed by grandparents. They do not know their own grandpa, and sadly I do not believe they ever really will.
I am in awe that after all of this, all the sadness, pain, and heartache, that he is not able to quit drinking, or try to quit drinking. I am not angry though, I forgive him for everything - all he has done and not done throught my lifetime as my Dad. I have learned that it is of no value to hang on to anger, it only festers and builds and makes you into someone you would rather not be. I have learned to accept my Dad for who he is, an alchohlic who does the best he knows how to. I love him, and always will.
As I was laying on my bed nursing my beautiful daughter Olivia Grace, it came to mind that he has yet to meet her, in fact, I believe he has only met Ava, Lucas and Anthony a few times - sad. The picture above is from the day Lucas was born, one of the two times he has met my little Lucas. I have been thinking about calling him for months and have not actually gone through with it as it seems the conversation is always so strained and hard to keep going. But today I decided to pick up the phone and call him. He answered - I said "Hi Dad" silence on the other end of the line. I said "It's Maria". He said, "Oh...Maria, Hi." I proceeded to talk about how long it has been since we have talked or seen eachother, and he agreed. He said to me "I am so sorry honey, it is all my fault." I have never heard him take on any responsibilty for the disolution of our relationship, so this really shocked me - I did not know what to say... I just mentioned that it was both of our faults and that we need to work on getting things on track. I asked how work was, how Tracey was, and a few other odds and ends but was getting one word responses from him. I am sure this was due to the fact that he was extremely intoxicated, trying his best to put coherent sentences together to carry on a conversation with me. I thought it would be a good time to end the conversation, so I told him to call me soon so we could get together. He agreed - I told him I loved him and would talk soon. As I hung up the phone I cried as I was sure I would not hear from him - either because he would not remember the conversation, or he would be too ashamed to make the call after speaking to me being so intoxicated.
This all made me sad for him, and for me.... Sad that his drinking was the catalyst to all of this- my mother leaving him, and his inability to spend time with us when we were young children, which in turn got us to where we are today, not a part of eachothers lives. He has missed so much... the births of my four beautiful children, baptims, birthday parties - all of the wonderful little moments that should be enjoyed by grandparents. They do not know their own grandpa, and sadly I do not believe they ever really will.
I am in awe that after all of this, all the sadness, pain, and heartache, that he is not able to quit drinking, or try to quit drinking. I am not angry though, I forgive him for everything - all he has done and not done throught my lifetime as my Dad. I have learned that it is of no value to hang on to anger, it only festers and builds and makes you into someone you would rather not be. I have learned to accept my Dad for who he is, an alchohlic who does the best he knows how to. I love him, and always will.
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