SELF PROCLAIMED HYPOCHONDRIAC

Yes, it is true, I am a hypochondriac.

I am known to be one of those tell-me-the-symptom-of-a-disease-and-I-will-have-it-the-next-day types. You tell me about your neighbor who has a brain tumor, how she had siginifcant memory loss, and bad headaches? The next day I will begin to forget things that I just did, and find myself with a killer headache. You tell me about your Daughter who has MS? The next day I will begin to feel tingling feelings in my arms and legs. You tell me about how before you knew you had breast cancer, you had this weird metallic taste in your mouth? The next day I will all of a sudden feel like I have been sucking on a penny all day. You get the idea, you tell me a symptom, I will be exhibiting said syptoms within a day or two of being told.

I am not the run to the emergency room every day type of hypochondriac. Nope, I tend to sit and worry for days and days, think up the worst case scenario in my head. It usually goes like this:

My god. I cannot believe I have [insert whatever disease/ailment I am thinking I have that month]. I am going to be given 3 months to live, I will be in horrible pain the whole time. I am so scared to die. I have four kids that need me, what would they do without me? And Brian, what would he do? My gosh, he would probably remarry because he is so young. I would hate that, some other woman raising my four babies. Gosh Maria, get a grip, you are just fine. Stop worrying about everything so much and thinking you have every disease known to man. Geeze. But gosh, I think I really do have [insert whatever disease ailment I think I have at the time].

This is usually when my panic becomes to the point where I need to unload on someone, that someone being my husband, and sometimes my Mom. I usually get the same sort of response from both of them every time:

"Maria, what now? No, you do not have [insert whatever disease/ailment I think I have at the time]. Why do you think you have that? Let me guess, someone you know has it, and it got you thinking, and your imagination got away from you, and here we are thinking you are dying. Again. You have to stop this worrying, it is not good for you. If you are that worried about it and obsessing that bad, go to the Dr. and he will tell you everything is alright."

And this is when one of two things happen. I realize I am being ridiculous, and shut off the worrying in my head. Or, I can't seem to get past it and I make an appointment to see the Dr. And Monday, when my latest worry came to a head, I decided to do the later, and call the Dr.

What was my worry, you ask?

Well, last Wednesday I was at my sister's house for my niece's birthday party. She came out of the house to greet me and I noticed a bunch a strange burn marks all over her body. When I asked what the heck happened she told me she had been to the dermatoligist to check out a rash she had on her body. While there, he removed a bunch of flat clear warts that were on her legs and arms, and also removed a mole off of her back that seemed odd in shape, not cancerous, nor even precancerous, but he removed it anyway.

So, of course, I went home and started thinking about my skin, and skin cancer, and my moles that are all over my body. The moles that I have had my whole life. I took a gander at my one raised mole on my back and decided that it looked different. It looked a little bit pink.

Oh my goodness. My mole is changing color. It looks like it is turning pink. I think the Dr. told me once that if my moles ever turned red that meant they could be cancerous. It is not red, but it looks pink, which could mean it is on it's way to turning red. Oh my. My brothers friend found a mole too late on his toe, and when it was removed they found the cancer had spread all over his body and he died months later. He was only 24. I could be just like him. I know one of the leading causes of skin cancer is not being protected properly as a child. I know my Mom did not put sunscreen on us all the time when we were little. I remember burning a lot. Why did my Mom not make us put sunscreen on.

This is when I told Brian of my worries (Friday morning.) He laughed at me and said the mole looked the exact same as it did ten years ago, that it was fine, that I should not worry. But I could not let it go. And by the time I decided I wanted to make an appointment, it was already too late. I would have to wait until Monday, which meant it was going to be a long weekend.

I spent most of the weekend looking at my mole from different angles, with mirrors held close, far, having Brian look closer at it. Just being plain old obsessive about it. I was exhausted by Sunday evening from worrying so darn much I fell into bed,waking occasionally during the evening, worrying, panicking. Monday morning could not come soon enough.

I made the appointment right away that morning, made arrangements for my dear friend Mari to come watch the kids, and then headed out to the Dr. The drive is a quick one, but it was spent with me going back and forth in my head I am fine, no I am not, I am fine, no I am not.... I got into the dr's office, met the Dr. gave him some background on my mole, and then had him take a look. Drum role.....

It was FINE. He said it was a completely normal mole. Texture, good. Shape, good. Color, good. Nothing to worry about, but if it bothered me and I wanted him to take it off he could. It would just take a moment, he would numb the area, cut it off and cautarize it. If I did not mind a small scar, it was really no big deal at all. So I opted to have him remove it. Why not? Seemed easy enough, and then I would never have to worry about it changing or becoming cancerous. He performed the procedure quickly, told me as the numbness wore off I would feel a burning sensation as he had to burn the area afterward. Yuck. He then told me to keep antibiotic ointment on it and a bandaid for 10 days so that it would heal properly. No problem. Right?

Wrong.

That evening I had Brian remove the band aid to apply more ointment, and this is when he gave my mole removal spot the name "bullet hole" as it was so big, and grey looking from the burning part. It was really sore too. Over the last few days it has become red around the outer edge and is still painful. It is not infected, but does hurt and is a pain to change the bandage and reapply ointment to it 2-3 times a day. Not to mention it looks like it will be a bit more than a "small scar." I bet you are dying to see it, aren't ya? Well, here, take a look.

Pretty gross, right?

I wish I could say it is all over with and I am happy to put this behind me, but I know me. I know next month it will be something else. Some sort of cancer, incurable virus, neurogical disorder, something. It is crazy, weird, and frustrating (and not just for me). I would love to know where this over the top fear of getting sick and dying comes from, and why I am this way so that I can change it. As I am getting tired of worrying all the time about things that have no business being worried about. This is for the birds, and it needs to stop. I need to start spending my days enjoying my kids, husband and family. Boating, going on trips, playing in the yard, swimming, watching movies, and NOT worrying. I need to start living life to the fullest, and enjoy every minute of it.