I Am Not Perfect

But somedays I wish that I was. So that everything would get done, and more importantly, so that everyone would be happy with me.

I wish I had time to clean the house from top to bottom all at one time. So that the upstairs was not clean one day, and messed up just in time for me to clean the downstairs.

I wish I could get everyone's laundry cleaned and put away so that whatever they wanted to wear was always in their drawer or closet waiting for them.

I wish I could help Brian out more, relieve some of his stress by helping him with paper work, cleaning and other things at the office.

I wish I could fulfill all of Brian's needs/wants all of the time as they are so very important to me, even though I believe he does not think they are.

I wish I was not so darn tired at the end of each day so that I had more quality time with Brian each evening, where he is not feeling neglected, or unloved.

I wish I could sit in the playroom and play Star Wars guys with Anthony for hours on end, or read Ava's Julie books to her front to back without interruption, or lay on the couch with Lucas and watch Star Wars the Clone Wars with him from start to finish, or spend more time laying on the floor with Livi reveling in the joys of her new found crawling abilities.

But most of all, I simply wish that I could will myself to understand that I am doing the best that I can. And that as the kids get older, things will get better. Easier. I will find more time to keep up with the house work, laundry, etc. But more importantly, I will find more time for the things that really matter in life, spending more one on one time with each child, finding more time to help Brian who works so darn hard trying to sustain the family business, finding more time to just "be" with Brian. Just us. One on One. What I savor, what I look forward to most at the end of each day, no matter how short the time may be. I love him so much.

Every few months I find that this all seems to build up and take me over, like a big wave crashing down on me, I feel defeated and want to just give up. But I can't. I won't. There are too many beings that are counting on me.