Friday, February 20, 2009
If You Can't Say Anything Nice...
Then shut your face. Alright, that is not quite how the old addage goes, it is a bit meaner and to the point, but some people need to hear it.
I am so sick of people and their opinions - to be more specific, people stating their opinions on a certain subject that they were never asked their opinion on in the first place.
What is it with people these days?
My topic of choice on this particular issue is children - how many you and your husband choose to have. This seems to be a popular subject that comes up at play dates with other mom's, and also at grocery stores with complete strangers.
Here are some things I have heard from people over the last year - ever since having our 4th baby, Olivia.
1.) "So I am assuming you are done having kids? 4 kids seems like way too much to handle, I could not imagine you having 5!"
2.) "Wow, you are not thinking of having another baby, if you are, you are crazy!!"
3.) "I think 4 kids is plenty, it is a nice round number."
What I would like to say in response, but don't as I would never stoop to their level of rudeness...
1.) How would you know how many kids would be too many for Brian and I? If you are asking this question you obviously don't have four kids, and don't know what it is like, so how would you know if it is a lot to handle, and why on earth would you care if we decided to have more children?
2.) Maybe we are, maybe we aren't. If we decide to, that is our decision, and I don't believe we would think it would be crazy for us to do so. And again, why would you care? Are we asking you to take care of them? No.
3.) (Yes, I have heard this one before, crazy right?) You think 4 kids is plenty for us? Why would you even think you have a say in how many kids Brian and I decide to have. And as to 4 being a nice round number?? It is ludicrous to think that Brian and I would look at eachother and say, oh we could not possibly have another baby, 4 is such a nice round number, 5 would just throw the nice "roundness" off.
I am not the only one who bears the brunt of these comments as I have spoken with other friends who have large families and they seem to get the same kind of response when people see how many children they have. I am not sure if they think the children are not all getting the attention they need and deserve, or if they think it is impossible to afford more than 2 or three kids, or what. But I can assure you, myself, and the other people I know that have chosen to have large families are responsible adults who are fully capable of taking care of our children -
we love them, feed them, clothe them, put roofs over their heads - you know, all the things parents are supposed to do for their kids.
My goodness, way back when our parents, and our parents parents were growing up large families were smiled upon, and thought to be such a wonderful thing. Which they are in my opinion - who would not want a house full of little kids, that grow up to be adults, and possibly get married and have oodles of kids themselves, which in turn gives you oodles of grandchildren to spoil? I will sign myself up for that anyday!
Now I know, a big family is NOT for everyone, but those people who are not particularly fond of the idea should keep their opinions to themselves unless asked. Pretty please?
All of this just drives me to want to go out and start procreating like a mad woman, have 5 more kids and say HAH! Look at me, I have a big, happy, healthy, well adjusted family and I love it.
But I won't.
Because 10 kids would be too much for Brian and I to handle. note to opinionated person who likes to tell me what they think is right for my family - I can say 10 would be too much as it is my life and my family. Not yours. Get it?
So I will say it again, in relation to the subject at hand, and any other subject that is frankly none of your business....
If you can't say anything nice, then shut your face.
***I know, I know... I am not practicing what I am preaching in this post by saying lots when I have nothing nice to say. But I had to get this all of my chest. Just this once. I will now go back to nodding politely at everyone's inappropriate comments whether it be about my family or any other of the millions of issues people feel the need to comment on that are simply none of their business. ****
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3 comments:
AMEN!
As a person guilty of all the comments above, please consider the intent of the person that made them. I have a friend that climbed Mt. Ranier and it wasn't until she got back and showed me the pictures that I truly understood what a huge challenge that really was...she stayed overnight in the freezing snow, got sick, frost bite, and some people even die attempting the climb. When she said she was going to do it again and that I should consider it someday, I thought (and told her) that she was completely crazy. She said it was the most wonderful challenge she's ever taken on and it changed outlook and views and her life forever in a positive way. I believe her! The fact that I can't (or won't) do it or I called her crazy was purely out of admiration for the enormous challenge she took on and succeeded at. The same goes for you...My gosh, after just having one baby I'm having trouble balancing home, work, social and private life already. I truly am becoming aware now what a challenge it truly is and my comments are out of admiration for your ability to take it all on. Especially since most of the rearing falls on your sholders. Just like I recognize what a huge accomplishment climbing a mountain truly is, I recognize my personal shortcomings and set my own goals a little (I should say a lot!) lower than my mountain-climbing friend. Yes, 4 kids does seem like too much to handle if you were someone like me but you aren't me and you handle those kids wonderfully and would do just as well with 5 or 6 I am sure. Are you actually crazy for having a large family - no, of course not. I'm sorry that it was interpreted that way. To you and my friend crazy means "WOW!!! It boogles my mind that someone can take this all on!" Also, your family does seem so perfect with 2 boys, 2 girls and the 2 parents. I just love how you all are together and everyone has a brother and sister. It doesn't mean at all that I wouldn't just absolutely love baby #5, 6, etc. I LOVE kissing those little cheeks and seeing those cute little baby butts. Anyway, long comment (sorry) but wanted to clarify that I very much admire all that you do and the enormous challenge you've taken on. You succeeded at creating a wonderful life and family for your children and although you may be "crazy" for taking it all on so selflessly your children are proof that it was all worthwhile!
Cindy Mullen
I truly do consider the intent of every person who has ever made one of the aforementioned comments, and in most cases I find it to be made in a negative manner. I have heard all of these comments in some form from many, many people, so I was not quoting something you specifically said to me. :) I hope you do not think I was... On top of that, I know you have said things like this, but I have never thought them to be mean or negative. You have always been very supportive and excited about Brian and I and our family.
After I wrote this post I asked Brian about it, wondering if I was a bit too harsh and if people would take offense. This was of course NOT my intention. I was just airing my frustrations on this issue as I seem to hear comments such as these ALL the time, along with other friends of mine who choose to have large families, and I am tired of them. Brian told me that it is my journal, and I should not censor what I say for fear of someone not liking it. And I agree. So again, I hope you did not take offense to this, or any of my other posts, or future posts for that matter. Hugs, your favorite Sister in law. :)
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